Question 1

Why can't I have my burger rare?

Accepted Answer

Because raw or undercooked food can contain harmful viruses and bacteria that can cause foodborne illnesses and The Zombie Apocalypse. Also, the Oregon Food Sanitation Rules says so.

Question 2

How big are the pancakes?

Accepted Answer

As big as your head. Not as pointy though.

Question 3

Why do I have to buy something to use the bathroom?

Accepted Answer

For reals... In order to have a safe, clean, pleasant place for YOU, this prevents us from being pegged as a place for the IV drug users to do icky dangerous things in the bathroom. Or bathe. And to Defensive Debbie, no, we are not saying you look like a drug user. We don't know what a drug user looks like. Not judging, we don't care what you do at your house. But we care what you do in this house. Because we have guests over to eat and have fun and we'd like to keep it that way.

Question 4

Why do I have to buy something to be in here?

Accepted Answer

Because 25% of zero makes a shitty tip. Oh, and the bathroom thing. See above.

Question 5

Why don’t you serve milkshakes?

Accepted Answer

Because our milkshake machine was hacked by the Russians.
If you don’t believe that, perhaps you should stop watching Fox News.

Question 6

Why don’t you serve alcohol?

Accepted Answer

So the OLCC isn’t the boss of us.

Question 7

Why aren’t you open Mondays?

Accepted Answer

Community service, therapy, hangovers, and cult meetings.

Question 8

What time do you close on Sunday?

Accepted Answer

When the last Grindr and Tinder hoes have swiped their last right... (about 3 or 4am).

Question 9

Do you validate parking?

Accepted Answer

“Your parking skills are excellent.”

Question 10

Are you hiring?

Accepted Answer

No, but thank you for inquiring while drunk at 3am. Perhaps we can discuss it when there aren’t 40 people waiting for a table.